Dear 20 year old Kristina,

I know that you’re impatient (we still are), so let me skip to the punchline: It’s all going to work out.  You will have good careers (yes, more than one), fall in love, marry, and have the daughter you always dreamed of.  You need to know that now because you spend a lot of time worrying that you never will, so will you kindly just relax and enjoy the ride, now that you know things are going to work out?

You are in a big hurry to grow up and be something and someone.  You will later regret this.  The older guys with the many degrees and world experiences are good people, but they are not for you.  Relax!  You are perfectly wonderful young – you don’t need to try to catapult into your older self.  You are silly, and silly is one of your best traits.  Don’t try to suppress it for fear of offending someone or coming off as immature.  Lighten up a little!  When you allow your silliness to come through, you really sparkle, and instead of making people roll their eyes, people are drawn to you.  Seriously, moths to a flame.  Trust me on this.

Mom and Dad love you.  They don’t always understand you, and they’ve made some mistakes – they were so young.  But they love you, and you will grow close to them again.  Forgive them.  Love them back.

Stop thinking about money so much.  It’s shallow, and it doesn’t suit you.  Be real, and do what is important to you: would you rather hike or shop at Nordstrom?  Come on, there is nothing wrong with looking nice or having nice things, but really, drop the pretense.  You are not about money, you are about time well spent.  Stop worrying about money.  Do the right things.  You know what I mean, your inner voice is telling you.  Listen to it.  You’ll save yourself some heartache and wrong turns if you figure this out earlier.  You’re not into cars and fancy whatever.  One day you’ll drive an old Subaru, and love it.  You’ll live in an old house with a covered porch and room for your friends and family.  It is more than enough.

You already have Carolyn, and she will remain one of your dearest friends.  You just met Susan, and she will also become a dear friend.  Now is the beginning of the best friendships a girl could ever have.  Hold tight to these women, and the others who will enter your life.  Really, they are the difference between happiness andsomething tragic: you have the best friends that a woman could ever wish for, and you need to treasure them.  They cling to you, too, so don’t worry about being weird or whatever.  Finally, the girlfriends that you longed for your whole life will come to you, and in abundance.  They will be a theme for the rest of your life, so enjoy them and love them.  They love you, too, and will be there for you more than you could ever guess.  You get really good at friendship; you have learned your lessons.  When you meet Michele and Heather, in your thirties, treat them well – they, too, are dear.  You need them, and they are so, so, so good for you.

The trip to Europe that you’re dreaming of?  You will do it.  You’re right to tell the nay-sayers to be quiet; going alone will change your life in the best ways possible.  You will learn that you can do anything you set your mind to, that you are fiercely independent, and that you are good at making new friends, finding new adventures.  That trip will change your life, and I thank you for it.

I need to thank you for a few other things.  Thank you for being a hiker-girl – like Wordsworth writes, those memories still transport me.  Thank you for working so hard to get through college, paying your own way and graduating with next-to-no debt.  You have no idea how big this is.  It really is a lot harder for you than most of your friends because you work so much, and you should congratulate yourself.  You will graduate, and even go on to get a couple more degrees.  You are a great student in the end – it’s amazing what you can accomplish when you’re not working so much.  Thank you for taking care of your body, as well.  That will help in the future.

And speaking of bodies – you’d better brace yourself for this one, because it’s going to knock the wind out of your sails.  Really, are you sitting down?  I’m not sure if I should tell you, but we believe that knowledge is power, so here it is.  When you are thirty-five, you’re going to do a breast self exam (thank you thank you thank you for always doing that) and you are going to find a weird lump.  You will go to the doctor, you will get a lot of tests, and you will be told that you have breast cancer.

I told you this was going to hurt, and I’m sorry to share that with you.  But remember how I started this? It is all going to work out.  I promise.  You might not believe it, but you will have double mastectomies.  Those beautiful boobs will go away (enjoy them while you can!  Wear low cut shirts!) and you will experience some horror, but you will live.  And that is what matters.  Your friends will stand beside you, and you will maintain a sense of joy of living, even in the worst.  You will cry, and you will be more frightened than you ever dreamed possible, but your friends will lift you and carry you.  The cancer journey will be a long one, with a lot of ugly treatment, but you will survive.  Hold on to that, because it’s all that matters: you will live.

I told you the worst, so let me tell you the best, too, to help you recover.  Your daughter is the most amazing person you’ve ever met – she is just like you, only way, way better.  Her life will give you strength to do anything, and she will give you enough joy and power to make it through the hard times.  She is silly, like you, and will help you to be sillier.  She is smart, and independent, and creative, and thoughtful.  She will change your life more than you could imagine, and she is your biggest gift.

You have another gift, too – a man who loves you and stands beside you.  Your marriage will not always be easy, but it will be the real thing, and loyal, and true.  You’ll work out the kinks – stick together, hold on to each other, and keep loving him.  He’s the real thing: a good man.  He is everything you need.  Your wedding will be magical.

You will know sorrow, but you will also know great joy.  You are good at joy, and it is a gift.  Treasure it.

You are strong, dear girl.  And feisty.  You worry so much that people don’t like you, or that you’re weird, but in the end, people love you for being your own weird self.  You will find your place.  In the meantime, stop trying to do what is expected, and laugh off the nay-sayers, and do whatever you need to do – you know what it is.  Listen to your inner voice; it knows.  Work hard, but relax, too.  Even with the challenges, life is much, much, much better than you imagined.  Thank you for all that you’re doing now to create the 40 year old me.

Love,
40 year old Kristina