Archive for parenting
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Posted by: | CommentsYesterday I wrote the shortest post I have ever written. Simply said, I’m tired.
That post was the result of three other posts still sitting in my drafts folder.
It took me three posts to finally say I’m tired.
The first two posts questioned.
They questioned my worth as a mother. They questioned by ability as a student. They questioned my confidence in my successes.
The first two posts brought everything about me into question. The first two posts tore everything about me apart.
Nothing spectacular happened yesterday. I didn’t do something crazy and rash. I didn’t forget about a test or mess something up at work. I wasn’t gone from my son all day. It was a day like any other.
It was a day with a to-do list. Places to be, things to turn in, people to hug, words to say.
It was a day of taking it step. by. step.
Yesterday, there were just too many steps.
And when I got to the end there was nothing left but self hatred, guilt, and pity.
I hated myself for not looking the right way. I hated myself for not being happy. I hated myself for not having any more energy in me.
I felt guilty for not cooking dinner, for counting down the minuets until bed time, for not wanting to play catch, for turning on the tv.
I felt pity for myself because I was tired. I was worn down.
I am so happy that I didn’t publish those posts.
Because today?
Today I feel like a rockstar.
Small Spaces and Happy Faces
Posted by: | CommentsWhen I was pregnant with Aiden I nested to an extreme. I painted the walls and bought furniture. My towels matched and his nursery was planned out. I will never say that I am super domestic. I am not. However, I didn’t want to bring him into a house. I wanted him to have a home. That home is where we stayed for three years of our lives.
In September we had to move.
I have always resisted change. Actually, I have always been petrified of change..if we are being honest here.
We moved into an apartment with white walls. An apartment with only one bedroom. An apartment with carpet that would make any designer cringe.
I was scared and heartbroken. I was sure that I was a bad mother. I was sure there wasn’t enough room. Where would our stuff go? Where would the pictures and knick knacks I had collected go? How could this be a home?
It couldn’t. It was and is just a house.
I feel no attachment to it. And if you walked in here today it looks much like a college dorm. The furniture doesn’t match. There are posters hanging slanted on the walls.
But that is ok.
Because we are here. And this small space has reminded me to cuddle more. This little apartment reminded me that life isn’t a smooth ride. That not every house is a home. That things change and sometimes you just have to roll with the punches. Because, we won’t be here (in this house) forever.
But we will be a family forever.
And that is what matters.
Not the knick knacks and the photos. Not the extra space and the big yard.
Family.
Aiden and I.
That matters.
