“I was underneath a bunch of stuff that I’m throwing off, purging left and right and while I was running the other day it was like I saw it all happening, and I passed this bench and envisioned the old me, sitting there and I kept running and it was like, I’m leaving her behind. And it made me so happy.” -Stephanie Precourt

I have been struggling though. It is not as easy as throwing the stuff off and running on. There are things that you don’t want to throw off. Parts of your life you are left clinging to. It is like running a marathon with a backpack on. You know that taking it off would allow you to run faster. It would allow freedom. It would relieve pain. But what if you need your backpack? What if you hold twenty years of memories within that backpack? What if the fear of taking that backpack off is so encompassing that you just keep running backpack and all. I feel a little stuck….

Speaking of running we have a beautiful letter from Marisa.

Dear 20-something Marisa,

Hiya!  Here I am, on the other side of our dramatic twenties, and there you are, trying valiantly to avoid any kind of drama.  You can’t.  It’s okay.  Drama is part of life; accept and deal rather than trying to avoid.

While we’re on the subject, stop running from the hard stuff.  It will eventually catch up with you and the longer you wait, the harder it will be to find the person you’ve been all along.  When you’re scared, turn and run into the fear rather than hiding.  It’s easier on the psyche, I swear, and you have the strength to rise to the occasion.

When you do something wrong, apologize immediately.  And stop lying.  Yes, cold turkey.  You will find freedom and peace in not lying, even when the truth is really tough.  You are strong enough to handle it.

Be kind to the people who love you.  It’s not their fault you’re not quite grown-up yet.  Sure, being alone and discovering you’re pretty capable of, well, anything is going to be really amazing for you, but you can do that with anyone.  You’re you no matter who you’re around (or at least, you can be).

When you find people who love you, don’t overdo the gratitude.  You’ll make a friend who will give you the kind of advice you’ll always remember (“If you feel like you’re too much for your people, you need to find new people.” “The quickest way through the hard stuff is just that — through.  The sooner you get started, the more quickly you’ll get through.” “You’re awesome, Mari, just the way you are.”) and seem like he can see your soul.  Set your boundaries quickly and make sure they’re this side of acceptable.

Yes, you are doing a fantastic job managing your career.  Thank you for that.  Keep taking big leaps of faith; soon you’ll get to work for that company you admire.  It will be just as wonderful as you  imagined.

Last thing: believe.  Believe in yourself, believe in the goodness of people, believe that your people love you.  You can’t find peace by changing your life; it will come when you grow up, and you will.  And even if you screw up (and you will), you’ll get some fantastic second chances. We’re doing really well in our thirties!

With much love and great pride,

Marisa

She does.

I was ecstatic when Jessica told me that she would write a letter for me. Jessica is that friend that every young women needs. The friend that will give you a hug and an understanding nod when needed but a kick in the butt when it is called for. She will cheer you on and set you straight all at the same time.  In the short time that I have known her she has helped shape the person that I am today. From the way that I parent to the way that I approach the world. She has shaped my writing and my grammar and my belief in myself.

She is wicked smart and one of the strongest women that I know. She stands up for what she believes without taking herself too seriously. A talent that few have.

When I am her age I hope to have half of the strength and confidence that fills this woman.

A letter from Jessica Gottlieb:

Jessica,

You made the right decision with school. Keep working hard, and don’t take out any loans. I know it’s hard right now, but graduating without debt will jumpstart you. Skip the kinesiology and just get a degree in recreation, you’re going to hate teaching. You’re also never really going to need that degree for anything except admittance into your Master’s, so don’t sweat it.

Keep cycling. Cycling and camping will be the highlight of your twenties, only be more careful when you pick a place to pee. It’s really hard to deal with poison ivy when you’re camping.

Spend more time naked. I know you feel like you’re not perfect, but you never will be, and things will never be better than this. Enjoy your freedom, you’ll be having babies in a few short years, and the first years you’re living on an island.

You’re going to start a wildly successful business with a $500 prepaid visa card. You’re also going to watch it tank in a recession, get out early, it’s just a business, it’s not your identity.

You see the world a little differently than everyone else. I still don’t know why, but twenty years later I’ve stopped trying to answer that question. Be yourself, you’re weird, and you’re going to get weirder. It’s okay. No one cares enough to make a difference.

Oh also, you’re going to meet a really nice guy who is going to take you helicopter skiing, and send you mountains of flowers. He is bad news. Trust your instincts. You’re going to marry a poor man, and you’re going to be madly in love fifteen years later. Building something  side by side with a good man is infinitely better than being given everything by a not so good man.

Pick a few close friends, demand loyalty, and give more than you take.

Ask forgiveness and not permission.

With love,
Your Forty Year Old Self

Photo from Here

In starting this project I was in hope of finding the secret of life success.  I was expecting letters full of advice for getting ahead in your career. Advice on finding “the one” and how to make it big.

I found none of that

What I have found…is so much more.

None of you are talking about the extra work you should have done. You are not wishing you had partied a little less or concentrated on your career a little more. Instead, I am finding quite the opposite. You are wishing you loved yourself a little deeper. You are wishing that you had a little more fun. You are wishing you took a few more risks and were a tad more playful. You are wishing you reveled in yourself and worried less.

I am twenty-two and let me tell you..it is hard to revel in yourself. It is hard not to worry that you are making a mistake that might ruin your life. It is hard wondering how it is all going to turn out.

In every letter that I read I find that you are saying “It is all going to turn out ok.” and I feel as though you are speaking to me.

Thank you.

A letter from Kristen:

Dear Kristen at 20,

That guy you’re infatuated with?  He’s got a physical type that you’ll never resemble, so just let it go.  When you come back from foreign study, he’ll be dating your band-mate anyway.  Also, he loves cats.

When you’re studying in a foreign country, try and live it up more.  I’m proud you got a 3.8 GPA, but you’re 20 and it’s Mexico. It’s okay to go clubbing once in a while.

I’m not going to tell you to stop smoking — it’s new to you, you won’t listen to me anyway, and you’ll be done with them by 30 — but look into Crest White Strips.  It’ll save you a few hours of Zoom tooth whitening agony later on.

Senior year of college, you’ll obsess over another guy and end up dating him for five years. Five years is probably too long.  I’m not saying don’t date him, but I am saying, don’t let his extreme frugality and fear of the world rub off on you.  In your 20s, money and security are less important than fun.

Corporate recruiting?  Skip it and go out to breakfast. The one interview you go on depresses you. After graduation, you’ll be a paid intern for a video documentary series in North Carolina. Doesn’t that sound nice?

When you’re 23, you’ll have the opportunity to share a rented house in the woods with a roommate. You’ll want to turn it down because the dirt driveway is long and your compact car gets stuck in the mud on your way out of the appointment.  Take the apartment. It borders state park land and loads of hiking and skiing trails. Living there will probably change your life.  You can always change your mind and break your lease if you don’t like it.  You’ve got nothing to lose; if you don’t take it, you’ll live in your mom’s house for too long, all in the name of saving money.

When you leave your first real job, take the money you saved and go back to Mexico for a few months. Write that novel or collection of short stories.  Travel.  Do the things you didn’t do when you were a grade grubbing student.

When you come back, move to New York.  Take whatever job you need to take to make it happen. Taking the train in and crashing on friends’ floors in Brooklyn is good for the soul, maybe, but bad for the back.

Have fun. Take chances. Be kind. Don’t worry about what others think. Your 20s are for you. Enjoy them. And stop taking everything so seriously!

Love,

Kristen at 36

Also, I entered this giveaway over at The Run Amuck. She is giving away a fabulous book. I wanted to share the giveaway with you because I love The Run Amuck and I love books. Enjoy!

So many stories filled with wisdom.

So many tips for surviving your twenties.

Again and again I have been told that I am an “old soul.” This I cannot deny.

I sift through life a bit differently than my peers. I have seen more things than most my age.

But still?

These letters are teaching me more than I imagined.

They are teaching me to cherish. To Love. And To Believe.

Throughout the past two weeks I have found myself trying to soak up moments that would have otherwise went unnoticed.

I am looking at my world a bit differently these days. I see a moment and I feel it in my heart.

THUD

This moment won’t last forever.

THUD

Aiden staring up at a tall building and feeling so very small.

THUD.

Huddling close with friends after a night of dancing.

THUD

The first swim of the summer.

THUD.

The realization that he won’t be four forever.

THUD.

The realization that I won’t be twenty-two forever.

THUD.

One day not far from now my friends will be married. They will have babies and families. They may have careers and homes. Aiden will be older and so will I. My life will be nothing like it is now. Everything is changing. Everything is in motion. Your twenties is a process. An adventure. A time for learning.

But thanks to your letters.

Thanks to your beautiful stories.

I believe that it is going to turn out ok.

Maybe even better than I could imagine.

Dear 40 year old Cassie,

I think about you often. I wonder where you are in your life, who you are with, and what you are doing.

And as it is our nature I worry. I worry that you aren’t happy. I worry that you aren’t where I imagine you to be. And often, I worry that you are. I worry that you are lonely. I worry that you don’t take care of yourself. I worry that you settled.

I know that we tend to hold on to the past but I ask you please don’t play the “should have” “would have” games.  Trust me, you did everything you thought was right. You did your best. I can assure you, because right now? I am doing the best that I can.

Please, don’t think back to the “good old times,” and reminisce of life in your 20’s. You know things now. You are sure about things now. The only thing I am sure about? Well, I am not even sure that I am sure about anything. It is scary. Your 20’s are scary. I am a little bit scared.

Now that we got all of that out of the way. Let’s talk about your 40’s. You better be traveling. I know, you probably are working really hard. You probably don’t have the time. You may even have a family. But seriously? We promised our self we would travel to Bali, and Greece. We talked about Italy and France and even fantasized about Australia. Get. Moving.

Don’t give up your passions. Don’t write me off as young and naïve. I know I am a little crazy. My ideas are big. But that is ok, so is the world. So just keep slaving away. Talk to everyone you meet. Share your ideas and your passions. Don’t let them gather dust. And for the love of God don’t become trapped in everyday routine

I hope that you are happy. I hope that you achieved your dreams. I hope that Aiden is doing well as a 24 year old man. (holy cow!) I hope that everything came around full circle and that you notice the small things in life.

I also hope the government didn’t l censor technology and take this letter away from you. (Again, I worry)

P.S. I apologize for killing your chance of having a metabolism. Yo-Yo dieting was the thing to do. And the tanning beds?  Sorry about that too. And the tattoo we sport? Just roll with it…

I hope you are well.

Love Always,

The 22 year-old you.

I find myself often getting lost in the everyday rat race. Running into adulthood full force. Often times wishing I could skip this part in my life. The more letters I read the more I realize I need to slow down and look around. Take that risk. Do that thing I really want to do.

And seriously, the love that I want but always wonder if it really exists…it does? wow.

Dear 20 year old Sarah,

First of all, let’s get this out of the way: no, you are not crazy. Yes, you should probably talk to someone. There’s no shame in that. You should also go outside more.

The biggest message I want to impart to you is that it’s okay to do things at your own pace. It’s not a race, it’s not a competition, and if you wait and get there on your own, you’re going to be so pleased to see how that turns out. Remember that line from the Desiderata that your mom always quotes and you roll your eyes at: If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Relax a little. Don’t rush being older and boring. It’s okay to wear those clothes you don’t think you have the body for, or to get that haircut or color you don’t think you can pull off. You’re 20 and tan, with all your own teeth. You can pull off just about anything.

Don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself. That means to your sexist boss or your undermining friend. Most people treat other people poorly because they don’t think very highly of themselves. Fixing them is not your problem.

I don’t want to spoil the surprise, but: almost every single thing you wished for on the first entry of your post-college diary comes true. Even that one thing you were afraid to write down. I KNOW!

I felt like it was okay to share that because I also have to level with you: things are going to be really, really hard. Sometimes they’re going to be awful, and a few times they’re going to be unbearable. The only wisdom I have is that that’s how it goes, but if you wait it out, it always gets better. That thing you’re embarrassed to think sometimes, that some days the only thing that keeps you going is to wonder what juicy celebrity gossip you’d miss if you killed yourself? It’s okay to think if that keeps you from killing yourself.

Also, this sounds a little cheesy, but you are pretty. I want you to believe that because I know you honestly never think you are, and I honestly don’t believe I am now, but I can see you now, and you are. I imagine 40 year old Us will have a lot to say about this. Probably that we should talk to someone and go outside more.

Finally, that kind of love you want, that you don’t think exists? It exists. You will find it. It will find you, actually. So calm down. Not everything is such a big deal. Get some sleep and have some fun.

Love,
32 year old Sarah

A few days a go I wrote a post about us moving.

When I wrote that post I wasn’t exactly sure what I was saying. I was only sure of how I felt. If my feelings could talk my writing could be poetry.  But alas they cannot so they are not. I found this post today–My Throwaway Year. It was saying everything that I was feeling. Except that my throw away year was not planned it was simply lived. And let me tell you that the most un-planned year of my life has been the most exciting beautiful adventure I could have never imagined.

As often the un-planned turns out to be.

“I sign these oaths on the first day of the year, and I spend the next 364 holding my breath and waiting. I have, you see, an unhealthy attachment to right. The right job, the right man, the right project. I won’t make mistakes, I won’t waste my time, and I won’t be anyone’s fool.

My years tend to flounder. I spend my days waiting instead of chasing, holding out for a sign or a lottery ticket. I’m never sure what’s right, and I’m so afraid to be wrong. I’d ask a question, but I’d rather wait until I have the answer.

This year, I’m giving myself permission to be wrong.”

I did not give myself permission to be wrong this year. In fact, I never would have dreamed of doing so. I was simply told I was going to have to move. So, I found a new house. Which meant I was going to lose my job. So, I prayed for a new job.

I was in the middle of a storm and I could not see my out. My life was handed over the arms of fate. And if anyone knows me at all they know. I. like. control.

In a matter of weeks I went from living in this little duplex with painted walls and family portraits to a white walled one bedroom apartment in a questionable neighborhood. I went from knowing that my bills would be paid to praying that I could afford this place. I went from knowing what would happen the following day to not knowing at all.

My life was flipped upside down in a matter of weeks. Oh, how I resented the world.

Nine months later…

My apartment is not decorated the right way. My life is not going the right way. (and by right way I mean the way that I planned).

It is so much better.

This article was amazingly inspiring. Small Movements Matter!

What is your movement?

Small Movements Matter

“Have you ever considered if what you’re doing matters? Have you questioned the impact you have on the people around you? Do you lay awake wondering if you’re making humanity better as a whole? I know I have. In fact, I’ve spent a sickening amount of time thinking just how much influence we have.

Think about the people you know, the people you love and respect. Chances are, you know of someone who is making a huge difference in what they do. I can name a few people I know who are currently “crushing it”, and changing the world in ways I can’t even begin to comprehend. At first glance, it may seem these amazing stories of people leading movements, is far beyond what you’re capable of. But what if I were to tell you honestly, that you can have just as big of an impact?”

Read more here…

In September we had to move.

I have always resisted change. Actually, I have always been petrified of change..if we are being honest here.

We moved into an apartment with white walls. An apartment with only one bedroom. An apartment with carpet that would make any designer cringe.

I was scared and heartbroken. I was sure that I was a bad mother. I was sure there wasn’t enough room. Where would our stuff go? Where would the pictures and knick knacks I had collected go? How could this be a home?

It couldn’t. It was and is just a house.

I feel no attachment to it. And if you walked in here today it looks much like a college dorm. The furniture doesn’t match. There are posters hanging slanted on the walls.

But that is ok.

Because we are here. And this small space has reminded me to cuddle more. This little apartment reminded me that life isn’t a smooth ride. That not every house is a home. That things change and sometimes you just have to roll with the punches. Because, we won’t be here (in this house)  forever.

But we will be a family forever.

And that is what matters.

Not the knick knacks and the photos. Not the extra space and the big yard.

Family.

Aiden and I.

That matters.

“The way I understand it is that we rob ourselves of being in the present by always thinking that the payoff will happen in the future.”

Pema Chödrön & bell hooks talk over life and all its problems
—from the Shambhala Sun magazine

Initially when I enter the classroom, I share with my students that we are there to think critically—to engage the world we live in—the world of ideas, fully, deeply, with our whole heart. Pema Chödrön’s work gives me this gift. Consistently she challenges me to think beyond someplace where I have erected boundaries—where I’ve allowed myself to become stuck—attached—full of defences.

When I first read her, the writing irked me. I was disturbed by what I began to call its “strategic open-endedness.” I wanted to be offered solutions, ways out. Instead, she kept extending an invitation to me and everyone to move into that enchanted space beyond right or wrong—to journey to the heart of compassion. And when you have stepped out on faith, straight into the heart of the matter, loving kindness appears less like a utopian dream. It becomes concrete—a place to practice wherever you are.

Read the rest here…