Teen Mom.
ByThere has been a ton of talk and hype about this quite popular show “Teen Mom.” I have not watched the show and I really never plan to.
I really hate talking about these things because I am partial. I had a child at eighteen.
Being a young mom is a lot of work. Not only do you have a new child to take care of but a journey to figure out who you are and who this person you are raising your child with is. It is a struggle and a dance that takes many years to perfect. Understanding the complexities of love and relationships. Making peace with the guilt that motherhood inevitably brings and coming to terms with who you are and this life that you are living. Being a young mother takes the journey of being a young girl and makes its so much more complex that you are lucky if you can wade through it successfully. You are lucky if you have a support team strong enough to pull you through.
Being a young mother is hard.
It is very easy to focus on the struggle that is being a young mother. The poor decisions that were made that got you there. The mistakes you should have thought through a little more and the sin that rides on your shoulders.
When I was pregnant with Aiden I was never met with a congratulations. I never expected one. However, I didn’t expect the mass number of strangers who would give the You know how you got that way talk. And the first time I was asked for parenting advice? Aiden was well over a year old and I still remember the feeling I got that day. The realization that not only was I a mother but a mother worthy of sharing advice about parenting.
I am not saying that we should promote young motherhood.
I am saying that we should stop exploiting it.
When a young mother succeeds? People are shocked.
As a society. As women. As humans capable of making mistakes. We have to stop focusing on the tragedy of having babies too young and start focusing on supporting and building up the young girls that had a baby too young.
Trust me, young girls know all of the reasons why they shouldn’t have babies. Very few sixteen year old girls want to give up prom for dirty diapers. They understand that motherhood is alot of work and can wait.
But the young girls that have found themselves in this struggle that is being a young mother? They are met with shameful looks. They are told how to parent not asked how they want to parent. They are encouraged to take the low paying job and to not shoot too high. They are put on reality television shows and giggled at as they fumble through what has to be the hardest time in their lives.
I have avoided writing about this for quite sometime. I shy away from talking about how young I had Aiden. I work hard to appear a little older, speak a little older, and act a little older. Because when you say you had a child at eighteen? You are are opting in to a whole plethora of stereotypes I don’t want to be associated with. But you know what? I had a child at eighteen. And I am almost finished with school. And I am working very hard to build a career doing something that I love. And I own a house. And a car. And we go on vacations and play board games. And we are a normal family. Well…as normal as a family can be.
And I am saying this because every young girl who has a baby out there? They need to hear these stories. The stories of successful young parenting. Because these stories? They matter.
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I have a friend (well, the little sister of a friend) who had her son at 19-ish a couple of years ago – She said the hardest part was not having a peer group. (I’ve heard 40+ new moms say the same thing.)
Kudos for the good post!
It is SO important that we support each other. Bringing young moms together and having older moms support and talk to them as fellow mothers. I think one of the most important things to me was when people would talk with me about parenting rather than at me.
Thanks so much!
I love this post. I’m not a former teen mom, but I have a friend who had a baby a week after graduation. Reading your story, your successes and your frustrations is darn near identical to hers. If I didn’t know better, I’d think she wrote this.
I’d love to have you write a Mama’s Story Wednesday post on my site! Let me know if you’re interested.
Great post!
I am not a mom but I have witness from my awesome friends that 1) being a mom is hard, but having the balls to stand up and cut out the not-so-great-dads is even harder and 2) sometimes, you just can’t keep waiting for the right man to come along. I think we live in a time where many encounter these situations and it is very sad that people are still openly judgmental. These shows unfortunately just fuel their need to belittle others to make themselves feel better.
This was a really, really great post, Cassie. I cannot imagine how hard being a mom is, much less being a mom with all of the extra struggles of being young added in.
Cassie, I’m so glad you wrote this post. So well written. And I agree that young girls out there need to hear your story. You’re doing a great job. Love ya, girl!
You are absolutely right…this story does matter. One of my besties had a baby at the same age you did. Even though I was always supportive of her, I have an odd feeling that her experience was much like yours.
Great post.
You are a wonderful example to share your story. At a time these girls need to be supported the most, it’s like people want to tear them down even more because for some reason “they deserve it” – but let those without sin cast the first stone, you know?
On of my very good friends growing up got pregnant sophomore year of high school. She went on to graduate with honors, married her boyfriend, lived in married housing in college, and they both graduated college with honors. (that was a looong time ago.) The family and friend support they had was awesome. If only we all could do the same- when we mess up, let’s change it for the better, not “sentence” that person to failure for the rest of their life.
I’m so proud of you, Cassie!
Steph
Cassie, this is beautiful. Thank you for saying all this, and for saying it so well.
@Jessi–Thank you so much for your support. I would LOVE to write a post send me an email with the details and I will get something together!!
@Debb–It is so true and when you find yourself in this situation of having a baby with someone you don’t really know all that well? It is such a journey to come to a place where you kind of figure out how you work and how you can work it together. A complete emotional and literal journey.
@kylydia–Yes motherhood is quite hard and being young makes it a bit more of a struggle. So many people are being entertained watching these young girls struggle to figure it all out. It makes me a little sick.
@Jo-Lynne–Thank you! I love you so!
@Nathaile–I will admit it is often hard to know what the right thing to say and the right way to help is. Which leaves many girls feeling alienated but I think as women we need to get together and start finding some answers. Thank you for your comment!!
@Stephanie–You are so right! People feel like they deserve the hardship that comes with motherhood. I remember being afraid to ever bring up some of the struggles like being SO tired when he was a newborn or the emotional battles with guilt and stress. I understood that people would not sympathize with me because “I did it in the wrong order.” Luckily, I found my people! And they supported and helped me. So many young girls don’t find those people. Thank you so much Steph!!
@Susan–Thank you Susan. I was really nervous to write this post. I am glad that i was able to articulate it well.
Cassie~
I totally agree. with everything you said. I had my oldest when I was 19.
I was never congratulated, and even had to go forward at my church to “come clean” to the crowd that I was pregnant, and the father would not marry me. It was horrific. I have been working on a post in my head on how all of that affected me & my parenting style.
What caught me completely off guard was all the strangers who would not even attempt to hide their eyes as the looked from my belly to my ring finger and back again. I noticed. and it hurt everytime.
It is time we start supporting, and stop judging. start looking for the good, and stop warning of the bad.
I love your post.
~sara
Thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart, for saying all this. I got pregnant a month and a half after high school graduation with my son. I remember being ashamed when I started showing, how I would get the looks from strangers that would imply I was some kind of second class citizen for getting myself into this “situation”. I worked at a bank at the time in a pretty well to do town. Once it was obvious I was pregnant, I got myself a fake engagement ring, I just couldn’t take the intrusive questions (the “do you know who the dad is” type of questions) anymore. It’s sad that my first pregnancy is clouded with shame and regret, that I allowed others to make me feel less of a person.
But I made it…as a mom (of 4 now at almost 27), wife and friend. Not only made it, but I succeeded beyond my wildest expectations. It totally is possible.
I love this. I really love this. My sentiments exactly. As an Honor Student and a cheerleader in high school who became pregnant at 17, I can relate so much–I was that girl who had it all and then suddenly one day was receiving nasty looks at the doctor’s office waiting for a prenatal appointment.
I had amazing parents and am definitely a success story and I very much agree–let’s not promote teenagers having babies; let’s stop exploiting it and build these girls up so the success stories outweigh the failure ones.
That being said, my favorite trick to play on people when I tell them I have a 9.5-year old daughter and they then ask my age…I reveal how old I am and then say “yeah, yeah, do the math.”
Thanks for the thought provoking post! I used to work as a social worker with teen/young moms. Reading your post makes me think about all the things I could/should have done better and some of the things I’m glad I did as well.
While I didn’t raise the daughter I had at 15 — I gave her up for adoption — I know about the stereotypes and the associations and all of that really fun stuff. I had my second daughter, who is with me, at 21. Now that I’m about to hit 30, I realize how little age matters in motherhood, in parenting. The “acceptable” age moms (and this is a broad generalization), may be cushy, but their just as clueless. Finding this out and checking my naiveté, was a shock for me. It just rocked my world.
I have my B.A., a partner I’ve been with for ten years, and we’re happy. I worked incredibly hard for success on paper and to move beyond the “she’s young” look. I’m comfortable in my role as mother and completely baffled by the unhappiness of mothers in their mid to late 30s. I hope this doesn’t appear spammy, but I wrote about the mind dance of being the youngest mom in the group. Maybe it will give a bit perspective and it may not: http://sixyearitch.com/2010/07/14/all-joy-no-substance/
When I think of teen parents these days, I think of the girl I first met when I was 12 and she was 6, and we were paired up by our school in a mentoring program. She later became good friends with my younger sister, who was her same age. She and her now-husband had their first child when they were both 17. That was almost 10 years ago, now. They’re still married; they have two children and a nice little house and decent jobs. They, and their kids, are doing fine by almost anybody’s standards.
People who believe young parents can’t figure out what needs to be done — and DO it — are doing young parents a disservice. They can do it. It’s not easy, but I’m pretty sure they already know that.
Wonderfully written! I too became a mom at the age of 18. It was a struggle from the moment I had to tell my parents I was pregnant, all the way to earlier today when I was dealing with my sassy (now) 6-year-old. It was never easy, but it has been rewarding in many ways. Being a teen mom taught me so much that I honestly don’t think could be covered in a few 10 minute clips. I watch TM because I want to see if it is possible to depict the real life of a young mom, but I have to agree with you that being on TV doesn’t make for many “real” life moments. Most of the situations that these moms are dealing with seem at least partially scripted. There is no way to show all the moments that really matter. Like the quiet moments that you share with your infant when you’re rocking them to sleep on a Saturday night while your friends are out partying. And the first “I wuv you Mommy” that makes you tear up. Or the first time someone asks YOU for parenting advice. Those moments cannot be fabricated for quality television. Having a great support system (including my baby’s father) is one of the main ways I was able to be successful in the long run. I also turned to blogging as a therapy for motherhood and was able to join a blogging community with other young moms like me. Sharing our stories definitely helped me better cope with the huge responsibility. But still, even to this day, 6 years later, I have never forgotten the amount of sacrifice it took for me to get where I am now.
I am loving all of these amazing stories. Thank you so much for sharing!
Cassie,
Kudos to you for this amazing post. Your perspective is needed, and these responses are refreshing. I had my daughter when I was 19-years-old, and I was homeless and in an unhealthy relationship with my drug-dealing boyfriend. Still, I put myself through college and provided for my daughter. It was extremely hard but not impossible.
In 2007, I wrote a book entitled Glori about my experience, and I travel all over the country talking about my journey, teen pregnancy, and my strategies for success. This past March, I founded a nonprofit organization called Generation Hope that matches sponsors with teen parents who are attending college. I am passionate about how different this world would be if we stopped judging young parents and started believing in them.
Thanks again for this post!
PS – For more info on Generation Hope, please visit http://supportgenerationhope.blogspot.com. If you’re interested in my book, please visit http://www.nicolelynnlewis.com.
Nicole
I also was a young mother. I got pregnant at 17 and had Kaylee at 18. Im 25 now, and am successfull. I graduated high school & college and have a full time job as a paralegal in a law firm. Being a young mom is hard, but it’s not impossible. At some point you just have to pretty much give the middle finger to everyone who looks down upon you and be like “You don’t think I can do this? Watch me!” Its actually pretty empowering if you think about it!
I commend you, and woman out there like you who share their stories.
[...] So I haven’t had a chance to watch the season finale of Teen Mom yet. I’ll probably watch the finale this weekend. However from what I’ve read online this was the last season that we will be seeing Farrah, Maci, Catelynn, and Amber. I think one of the unique aspects to this show is that we’ve been able to watch these girls transform within the last 2-3 years from teenagers to teen moms. We’ve been able to watch babies transform into toddlers–talking, walking and saying “mommy” for the first time. The best thing about the show is the ability to see what it’s like to be a teen mom from each girl’s perspective. This brings me to a blog I came across this morning. http://cassieboorn.com/2010/08/teen-mom/. [...]