20 Something Letter–Ellis
ByI have always been a dreamer. I would dream of the things I would accomplish, of the children I would have, of the place that I would live.
I had it all planned out this picture in my head.
I remember, as a child, imagining what my children would look like. Often when I am looking at Aiden I feel like I am look at the exact child that I used to imagine.
As I take a look at this house we are preparing to move in to I revel in the fact that I dreamed of this house. I imagined this place complete with little black shutters and a big back yard.
When I am working and I stop to realize how much fun I am having. I realize that I never expected to be in this place.
Still, I find a heaviness in my heart. A reminder that I shouldn’t hold on to these things to tightly. A mental reminder that my life isn’t supposed to be this good.
This letter made me feel less alone in that heavy hearted feeling.
Dear 20-something Eilis,
Hey girl. It’s been awhile, but actually, I’ve been thinking of you and missing you a lot lately. I think I’ve just been reminiscing about you and life at your age and have been thinking about how much has changed. Sometimes I find myself going along with my daily business and just feeling…happy. I stop what I’m doing and wait to see if that old heaviness in my heart will be there, but it’s gone. Can you believe it? I know you know that heaviness. I know you think it will always be there and you want to punch the next person that tells you “everything will work out the way it’s supposed to,” but I’m here to say that you need to have faith in that. I think you sort of do, but I know it doesn’t help the heaviness. I also need to let you know that the horrible heartbreak that you go through when you are 23 ends up being the beginning of the rest of your life. It hurts like hell and trying to get over it is a nightmare, but you totally get over it. You don’t forget it, but the hurt is gone. And you learn SO MUCH from it. You learn all about who you are and what you want and deserve in life. You don’t deserve to be treated like that and you learn that you can lose yourself, and I’m here to say that you’ll never let it happen to you again, even though I know you’re scared you will.
You know what other annoying saying turns out to be true? “You’ll find someone when you least expect it.” You’re going to make a big decision when you are 25, a decision to move away. Stick with your gut on that one, girl. It leads you to a place you’ve always dreamed of but never thought you’d find. It leads you to a man you never knew REALLY existed. He’s kind and funny and loving. He lets you snuggle whenever you want. He never calls you names. He loves you for who you are, even with your flaws. Keep up with your bowling skills…that helps seal the deal on your first date with him. And you know how you’ve always dreamed of having kids but have this horrible fear that you won’t be able to? Turns out you’re a bit of a Fertile Myrtle, so don’t sweat that one either. And you know how you secretly fear that your kids might be ugly? They are totally adorable, and I’m not just saying that because they’re yours. Other people say it too, so it’s legit.
I’d like to thank you for staying true to yourself and for making it through the tough times and becoming the woman that you are, because I’m totally reaping the benefits. Waking up every day and not feeling sad about anything is such a wonderful feeling. So Kudos, kiddo. We made it to our thirties. Life goals? Accomplished. Sure, there is much more to come, but as far as the dreams you are dreaming right now, in your twenties? They all come true. We are so lucky.
Kisses,
31-year-old Eilis
Related posts:
This is what I want to be able to write to myself in a decade’s time. This letter made my heart sore.