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ByYesterday I wrote the shortest post I have ever written. Simply said, I’m tired.
That post was the result of three other posts still sitting in my drafts folder.
It took me three posts to finally say I’m tired.
The first two posts questioned.
They questioned my worth as a mother. They questioned by ability as a student. They questioned my confidence in my successes.
The first two posts brought everything about me into question. The first two posts tore everything about me apart.
Nothing spectacular happened yesterday. I didn’t do something crazy and rash. I didn’t forget about a test or mess something up at work. I wasn’t gone from my son all day. It was a day like any other.
It was a day with a to-do list. Places to be, things to turn in, people to hug, words to say.
It was a day of taking it step. by. step.
Yesterday, there were just too many steps.
And when I got to the end there was nothing left but self hatred, guilt, and pity.
I hated myself for not looking the right way. I hated myself for not being happy. I hated myself for not having any more energy in me.
I felt guilty for not cooking dinner, for counting down the minuets until bed time, for not wanting to play catch, for turning on the tv.
I felt pity for myself because I was tired. I was worn down.
I am so happy that I didn’t publish those posts.
Because today?
Today I feel like a rockstar.
Related posts:
YES.
Isn’t it wonderful how just a day can make such a difference? It’s easy to tear yourself down, but we’re all kind of self-healing right? At least to a point. Happy to hear that things are looking up, Rockstar!
I started a secret project recently that I’ll share with you. It came about because I spend my days with endless to-do lists—lists I never manage to finish, and even if I did there’s just another one to be made. I had begun to feel like my days, and by extension my life, was being quantified by what I got done. Or, more likely, what I didn’t manage to do.
So I started another list: a list of things I am proud of. Every night before I go to bed, I write down the things I’ve done well that day. Some days it’s a short list: called a friend, made myself a good breakfast, finally picked up the stupid dry cleaning I’ve been forgetting. One day it said simply: went to bed early; because that was the only and best thing I could do for myself that day. Some days I do things specifically so I can have something to write down. But it feels good to be measuring my days in a positive way, to be looking for the good I do, not just the things I’m failing or flailing at.
We’re all so good at beating ourselves up, less accustomed to building ourselves up (and when I say “we,” I include myself). But honestly, would we talk to a friend the way we talk to ourselves?
I think you’re doing a pretty amazing job of life. For what it’s worth.