Share Your Wisdom-Help A Young Woman
ByIn my time blogging I have met amazing women across the country. I have danced the night away with bloggers at conferences, had heart to hearts in hotel rooms, and dinner with some inspiring people. In my time blogging my life has changed, re-shaped, turned out a little differently because of these women. Thanks to these women.
They have inspired the way that I parent my child, the way that I feel about myself, the career path that I have taken, and my faith. They have shared stories and tips. They have given advice and listened as I begged for it.
Your 20′s can be a confusing time. To say the least.
A while ago I joined a group called the “20 something bloggers.” I dug through their blogs listening to stories and questions. And I realized I am not the only confused 20 year old on the planet. However, I may have aquired the best support team any 22 year old could ask for.
So, today I am asking you to share your wisdom. Tell your stories to all of the “20 something” girls out there who are walking around lost.
I am asking your to write a letter to your 20 year old self. Share the things that you questioned at 20 that you no longer questioned. Share your wisdom and advice. Give some guidance to another generation.
Since, I couldn’t figure out mister linky there are 3 options:
-Link to your letter in the comments
-Share your letter in the comments
-E-mail your letter to me and I will post it up
*There is no prize for the best letter. No contest. No prizing. This is simply a collection.
**I am leaving this up for a week. So, you have time :)
Related posts:
My letter might start with, enjoy having extra time on your hands… LOL as I keep meaning to reply to your email about this!! Let me work on it! :)
Steph
[...] I was thrilled when Maggie agreed to write a letter to her 20 year old self: [...]
To 20 year old Kelsey:
First off you rock! I am glad you don’t question that too often.
Know that this is the skinniest you have ever been and will probably be (gotta love loosing 25 pounds while everyone else around you is gaining 15). Enjoy that body. Stop wearing the pants that are 5 sizes too big and using the tie dyed nylons as a belt. But also know that your quirky style has left an impression on others.
Thank you for being brave. Way more brave then you feel at times. I like your gumption.
Know that I am crazy impressed that you could make 15 apple pies for an event in a dorm kitchen. We are all still talking about that to this day.
Thank you for working hard to stay in touch with your HS friends far away. I know it can be trying (and they can be trying) but also note they are still some of your bestest friends.
Know that as insane as college is now you will never nap this often again. Stop stressing so much you will be fine (know that your doing crazy damage to your teeth by grinding every night while you sleep-lay off the stress). Please note that 30 year old Kelsey works at a college, teaches at a college and even went on for her masters (still hating college). I know you are a little shocked. I am still a little shocked sometimes. Stumbling can lead you places you never knew you would go.
Thank you for making an effort to go to the poetry night…even when you were bored by it. The beat boxing guy, the poetry giving guy, the kitten, and flirting with the barista all make me smile just thinking about it.
Know this is the time where you will meet the most single men ever (classes and coed dorms)! Thank you for being wise and not sleeping with the dumb ones. I appreciate it! Keeping things PG 13 really worked out for you. However Mom was right (about how you should have more fun)….I know don’t puke in your mouth too much.
Thank you for really learning to flirt during this time. You are a pro and I often look back and wish I had those mad skills now.
Know that your instinct is most often right. Even when it sucks. Sometimes it’s better to cut your losses instead of waiting for them to do it instead. However work on not asking the questions that will only end in heartache. Also note your boundaries are important don’t let people mess with you! Yeah your still working on this at 30.
Thank you for going to the Gloria Steinem and Maya Angelou events on campus. They are powerful! You might want to check out the rock climbing wall on campus too it turns out you like that sorta thing.
Know that if you had gone and studied abroad in Europe it really wouldn’t have put you that behind others in the workforce and would have been really worth it.
Thank you for not bending to peer pressure. I still like that best about you today. You do you so very well.
Know that you still don’t really like booze and that drinking those 12 plus shots of tequila really never turns out to be a good idea. Please note that Belgium beer is where it is at…try that instead.
Thank you for making all those quilts. Know that your friends still love them to this day (and that their babies are now playing on them).
Know it is important to hold on to the railing you have some serious klutzyness and will fall down the stairs many times if your not holding on to the railing. Also please avoid the tailpipe on your car it freaking hurts when it connects with skin!
Thank you for being patient with your mother when she is trying to figure out her life. Know that there is no horrible ending regardless of what she decides.
Know that making it up as you go works well for you. Keep enjoying the journey. You are going to meet some cool people along the way, make some dumb decisions, make some great decisions but that you will just keep trucking forward regardless. The future is bright don’t ever stop dreaming big. If nothing else listen to the sunscreen song and know that it is true. :)
Much Love,
The older version of you (who still rocks!)
Thank you so much Kelsey. This is absolutely beautiful. And gave me chills!
My pleasure Cassie. What a cool project. I wishing you and all the other 20th something girls the power to know whatever you are doing now is exactly what you should be doing and if you don’t like it change it. There is no other way to experience life except for living it fully (the good, the bad, and the ugly). I wish I could give women and even my 20th something self a bit more protection from the storm of life but what we learn from the bad is just as powerful as the good if not more so. So have regrets or live a life of no regrets. Just know as long as you keep living it the story can change at any moment.
Dear 20-something Cora –
Shoulda, woulda, coulda – none of these words are helpful. As much as you can, banish them from your vocabulary.
You are an amazing soul and things will get better. Just keep saying that to yourself and when you see an opportunity to make things better, take it, regardless of how big or how small, for yourself or for others.
Stick with the therapy, if not the medication – you’ll eventually get the right diagnosis and things will be better.
These are not the best times of your life – you have many more best times coming. Collect the best times and know you’ll have more to add to your collection.
Give into your lazy side more often – it serves a purpose, a very important one. You’ll find out what that purpose is when you start being proactively lazy.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a marathon, so don’t worry if you haven’t done things that are important to you – there’s still time.
Trust your gut. You know yourself better than anyone and do what is right for you, as kindly as possible. You’ll disappoint others, but give them a hug, tell them you love them, and get on to doing what you need to do for yourself.
Go exercise – you always feel better after doing it. Always, despite the lies you tell yourself. This is the one time not to indulge in laziness.
Now, go look in the mirror and give yourself that look that you think is cute and revel in the feeling.
And believe in yourself. You are enormously capable, smart and personable. Believe in yourself and others will to.
I love you.
30-something Cora
Hi Cassie, I just got here from Mighty Girl, and thought it was a great idea. I know I’m late to the game, but here’s my submission: http://belletexanne.blogspot.com/2010/06/dear-rachel.html
Hope to see many more!
Not to late at all! Thank you so much!
Beautiful. Beautiful. Beautiful!
Dear 20-year old self,
Stop worrying. Really. I mean it. You’ll still do it 20 years from now, but less so, and it’s truly much better for you. Also: The guilt. Get rid of it. It doesn’t serve you. The sooner you stop feeling guilty about everything, the better off you’ll be.
By the way? That tiny crinkle in the corner of your eye? It’s not a wrinkle. You’ll know when you get them.
Turns out you like the great outdoors, and you love ballroom dance, provided you can lead. You still can’t sing, but you care less that this is the case. You like cruises. (Really.)
You think you are a dog person now, but you will eventually find yourself with a picture of the best cat in the world on your desk at work.
Those times you went to Europe? Good choice. Ditto with most of the travel you’ve done. TAKE AS MUCH VACATION AS YOU CAN NOW. Most positions will start you off at 10 days of vacation. Per year. Try to negotiate for more when you can. Once you can cover rent/mortgage and your basic expenses, time off is more important than the money.
You will never be a morning person, even if you have a job that requires you to be there at 7:00 AM. Speaking of jobs, you won’t feel bad that although you got your PhD, you didn’t become a professor. It took you forever to decide to leave that path, but it turned out well.
Avoid the old semi-blind dentist that sealed decay in your tooth and the one-star dentist who “fixed” it. (There’s this thing called “Yelp” now, and well, you can find reviews of almost anything. Including your old dentist, who has a dozen one-star reviews, and one sticks-out-like-a-sore-thumb 5-star one.)
That time you went vegan? Good for you! I know it helped your allergies, but you are happiest eating things like cheese and ice cream.
You will actually be able to get married. Well, it will be legal for a short time in California, where you live. And you will rush right down to San Francisco City Hall the first day with your partner and become wives. You will not know in advance how amazing it will feel to be equal in the eyes of the state. BTW, your wife is gorgeous and people always stop her to ask her if she knows she looks like [insert some movie star] . You will need to get used to being the person escorting the gorgeous one.
And those people who were against your marriage? Who protested a mile from your house and kicked and spit on you? You’ll be traumatized for a while, but you will hang onto the hope that karma will bite them in the ass eventually. And you will hope when the bite comes, it removes a big chunk.
Watch who you are friends with. You will make some crappy decisions, and also some great ones. That gay guy you went to prom with? You are still friends. The bald woman from Wales? She turns out to be a nightmare. Listen to me: do not waste all your energy and time on that friendship.
Remember that it’s not cool to constantly correct people’s grammar or usage. You still love languages, and are a little freaked about the fact that the first sentence in the above paragraph ends with a preposition and what if people don’t know you knew it was wrong, but were just trying to be casual? Or that you use sentence fragments for effect? It’s okay. It’s even okay when the grocery checkout line has a sign that says “10 items or less” instead of “10 items or fewer”. On the bright side, you will get paid to write, edit, and generally fix all those little things that you have to stop yourself from correcting, for free, when you are just out and about in the world.
Okay, fashion. You look ridiculous a lot of the time, but you can pull it off better than most, so whatever. If you want to buy some weird pilgrim-looking shoes in Europe and wear them in rural Ohio, go for it. Turns out you look great in a tux, so get a good one and take it to a tailor. In fact, buy good clothes and get them altered so they fit exactly. You have an ongoing weakness for premium denim (that’s 2010 speak for “expensive jeans”). Your feet are still too big for women’s shoes, although they are making women’s shoes larger these days. Still, most of them are ugly and don’t fit your style, so stick with women’s flip flops and buy nice, tailored men’s shoes for the rest. You won’t really ever find boots, hiking boots, or running shoes that fit right. You will have a lot of blisters and consider starting your own line of footwear to remedy the problem.
Your hair? Cut it. It looks best short, with some blond highlights. To get a good cut, find a good salon, then just let them do what they do. If they screw up, remember that hair grows. I thought you had an excellent attitude the time they accidentally shaved your whole head down to 1/8 of an inch.
It’s okay to leave Santa Cruz. I know it’s awesome and all, but Oakland and SF are good too. And you can still go visit. Yes, you will miss the beach and being able to grow artichokes in the back yard and hear the sea lions from your bathtub. But you will be much closer to things like awesome restaurants and work, and besides, don’t you want to live with your wife?
Amazingly, you and your dad will get along great. He was frustrated by you a lot of the time when you were growing up because he was young himself and not particularly mature. But he didn’t actually hate you.
Mom was right and your health really is the most important thing you have. Take care of it. You still struggle with this. But please, try. I want to be able to write my younger 70-year old self a letter someday.
wen
PS. Some people will insist on calling you “Wendy”. Try to respond if you can remember that’s your full name. Also, based on your name, many people will think you are an Asian dude before they meet you. You will laugh for years about the time your restaurant reservation was under “Gwen Nguyen”.
PPS. You probably have some spelling or other errors in this letter. It’s okay.
Dear 20-year-old Krista,
I’ve just gotta say this first….YOU DON’T LOOK AS COOL AS YOU THINK YOU DO WHEN YOU ARE SMOKING!!!!! Seriously, you will wish you had quit sooner. It just makes it that much harder later on to quit. So stop now while you are young! Just because your friends are smokers too…doesn’t mean that you have to do it.
Another important thing…if someone you know suggests doing something that you think might even remotely be the tiniest bit illegal….DON’T DO IT! Trust me on this one, you will regret it later.
A couple of things you have to look forward too: That skinny tomboyish-looking body that you have now will eventually fill out and become curvier and more womanly (hint: BIGGER BOOBS!). You are going to eventually find the right guy for you. Mr. Perfect really is out there! You’re going to have to wait longer than you thought (that whole thing about being married by 25 and kids by 30 isn’t gonna happen!)…but trust me, he is out there waiting for you! So don’t get so depressed about it…cheer up!
Also, when you finally decide to get your own apartment for the first time, it would be a wise idea to listen to your gut instinct when it tells you that you shouldn’t just go for the cheapest apartment you can find, because its in a REALLY bad area! Your safety is worth more than a few dollars!
One last thing, and I know you will think I’m stupid for even suggesting this…but listen to Mom and Dad. They really do know whats best for you, and even though it might not seem like it, they are always looking out for you.
I want to give you a hug and just say that things are going to be OK. There will be times when it doesn’t seem like it, but trust me…there are better days ahead of you!
Love,
30-year-old Krista
Such beautiful letters. Seriously ladies, I am in awe.
Awesome idea! Here is my link: http://justanotherjenn.com/2010/06/04/to-me-only-younger/
Thanks for thinking of this Cassie, it was really cool to write and to read other people’s letters.
Dear 20 year old self,
Don’t waste a minute of your time with loserville boyfriends. Count to 10 before you make an important life decision. Never get a perm. Spend more time doing the things you love. Otherwise, go ahead, get crazy, have fun, and don’t second guess yourself.
Love you,
Me
Just read this via mightygirl. Great idea! Here’s my letter to my 20-something self…
Dear Jaimie (aka jaimes),
You’ve settled on a major, Women’s Studies. Good call, the choice will confuse your family, but it will help you sort out all the childhood and teenage issues you have faced. It will give you an appreciation of women’s rights and a better understanding of the unique struggles women face politically, economically, and socially. Right on! However, it will not help you get a job, and you will have to go to grad school to sort that out…
I know you and your friends are badass 3rd generation feminists, but don’t be so hard on the boys. Most of them are harmless and just as insecure as you.
Stop worrying about disappointing or hurting your mom by moving away from home. When you finally do leave Virginia in your 30s, you will only wish you had done it sooner!
Great choice on study abroad in China! That trip will forever be an eye-opening experience that will encourage more travel in your life.
You know that band you play in with your cousin? Take it out of the garage and play out. Don’t worry if you suck. Most bands do.
Those brochures for recording school your carrying around are burning a hole in your backpack. Just take the summer off of school and sign up already!
Drop the defensiveness and have more fun. You are a funny, warm, and interesting girl whom your friends love. But sometimes your insecurities get the best of you. I know it’s hard to let the guard down, but the world is not out to get you.
Keep doing the things you love (playing music, writing, traveling). Keep making mistakes along the way, and don’t dwell on them for more than a day.
xoxo,
jaimes
[...] mamas, but I thought this idea was pretty nifty. I read MightyGirl Maggie’s entry for Cassie Boorn’s blog idea to write a letter to your 20-something self. I commented with my own letter and thought I’d [...]
I love these – so inspiring!
Here’s mine.
http://mingaling.net/2010/06/07/letter-to-my-20-year-old-self/
Dear 20 year old April,
You may think that the friends you have now are the moon and stars. But they aren’t. They are lovely people, but they only know you at 20. Soon enough, you are going to meet people at 36 that really are your mothership, and life as you know it will be splendid.
That being said, please take education a bit more seriously. Yes, you have had to work your whole life, and school really didn’t fit in with, you know, survival. But guess what? School makes it possible to go beyond survival. It gives you options. When you are working 12 hours a day and trying to support a family, options are like miracles.
And speaking of miracles. Please don’t pine over one person, but also don’t hop around with 20. Enjoy yourself. Keep your options open, respect yourself and spoil yourself. Because soon enough, you are going to meet someone that is worth the fight, and then have a miracle baby that is worth working 12 hours a day for. And you will have mothership friends to share it with. So I guess I would say that if you do right by yourself as best as you can, everything you have in your 30′s will be worth it all.
Keep that independence. Your ability to be able to say goodbye to people and let them go at the perfect time has always been something that was resourceful and has worked out well for you. Trust me, you will know when you get here.
Always keep laughing, you will need that, because believe me, shit keeps just getting funnier over time. I cannot wait until we hear from our 50 year old self. Now THAT should be interesting.
PS. Please, for the love of all that holy and sweet, take a really intense course on cleanliness and organization. Please.
Love ya! K.I.T!
April (36 years old with some well earned and bitchin’ looking grey hairs)
Dear Twenty Something Me,
I’m so sorry you are having such a hard time. I wish I could tell you that it gets easier for you but unfortunately it doesn’t get better anytime soon. Your twenties will your most difficult decade. There is good news though, it does get better and even though it takes a long time, you will still manage to have a lot of fun. So try and enjoy your twenties a little bit more. You are only here once.
GO BACK TO COLLEGE, if you don’t do it now, you never will, believe and trust me when I tell you forty something me seriously regrets not graduating from college.
Try harder to let go of the anger and resentment you carry around because you had a shitty childhood. Get over it. I know it sounds harsh but the sooner you let go, the happier you will be. And no sadly, Mom doesn’t change. Reconcile yourself to this fact and the sooner the better, you will save yourself years of pain and therapy.
You are beautiful and skinny! True you have no sense of fashion and keep getting perms but so does everyone else. Try to love yourself more and have more confidence. Trust me, you won’t ever have the body you have now again, so rock it!
Stop fighting with your sisters. Start wearing sunscreen and please stop spending money like there is no tomorrow. And know these three things seem impossible but try anyway!
By the way, you can be so stubborn and it’s going to get you in a lot of trouble at times but your resilience and tenacity prove to be some of your best qualities later on.
That guy you are living with? Go ahead and marry him, not that anyone can talk you out of it anyway. You are absolutely right, he is the love of your life. I can tell you with 100% certainty that marrying him is the best decision you will ever make. It won’t always be easy but it will always be worth it.
So keep on keeping on and try not to be so hard on yourself. You will make many mistakes and I’m not going to try and stop you from making them because they all add up to where I am today. At times you may not believe it, but I promise you that you are loved and you will be happy.
Much love,
Forty Something Me
P.S. I almost forgot, trust your gut and wait to have children. You aren’t ready when you first think you are and you are going to need everything you’ve got when you finally do but don’t doubt that you will be a great Mom!
Cassie,
What a wonderful idea. I found you through Maggie Mason. Thank you for inspiring this idea because I have to say, there was something very cathartic about writing this.
Dear 20 Year Old Michelle,
20 is going to be a big year, overwhelming at times. Remember to breathe.
You are on the right track. You do not need to know all of the answers; remember that the search and journey are what is important. Trust your instincts and loosen up a bit. You already know in your heart who you are, keep working up the courage to let her out.
Be sure to have fun. I know you like to take things seriously and that you respect the rules and the example you are in your leadership positions, but make sure you are having fun with your crazy friends.
You have incredible friends, some of whom you will still be close with 14 years later; your Rosies are true kindred spirits. Trust them, be honest with them, they love you. You will learn who your true friends are, and some of them may surprise you. Be open to the new friends you are making because some of them will play an incredibly important role in your life.
Know that you will survive the loss and the pain. Know that everything will change, as you fear, but that the change will lead to good things for you.
Do not let anyone convince you that you are wrong to see the good in people, no matter how much you find yourself hurting.
I don’t want you to tread lightly and avoid pain, confusion, or even a hurtful relationship because it all leads to me and this me is good and happy. You will be okay. You will find true unconditional love. Life will not turn out the way you anticipate and that is a good thing.
Take advantage of that campus, spend those hours beneath our tree, and hold tight to those woman you care for because there will never again be a time in your life like college. They are precious years, precious memories that you are making.
Life is not easy and you face some very challenging situations over the next decade, but you survive and are strengthened by those experiences. I want to be honest with you, some things do not get better (you know what I am talking about) but still you will be okay. Control is an illusion. I know, not easy to accept, but start trying to accept it.
You are good. You are lovable. You are allowed to be happy and sad at the same time. Tell the people you love how you feel, and trust your gut. And never turn down a gnocchi dinner at Nana’s.
Love,
34 Year Old Michelle
Hi Cassie, like so many others, I’m over from Maggie Mason’s delicious blog! Here’s my letter. :)
Hey You!
Instead of spending all day looking back at things like regrets, I want to reinforce the good things you have going for you, kid. For the most part, you’re doing all the right things. Learning how to fail and pick yourself back up is tough, but there’s no way around that. Some things you simply must learn and I’m happy that you’re not a quitter.
1. Your instincts are very sharp. Your ability to read other people is crisp and uncanny. Just be sure to react accordingly.
2. At times, I think you’re just too nice. Overly fair, much to your own detriment. Stick to your guns, girl, and don’t cave just to make everyone else happy. Never let anyone treat you like a second class citizen. You and your opinion matter every ounce as much as anyone else. And more. I’m sorry no one pulled you aside to tell you sooner.
3. Try not to waiver. Keep an eye on that guy who gave you a bloody nose in kickboxing, you’re gonna like him more than you think. And yes, the breast reduction was a fantastic decision. Breastfeeding woes aside, it’s the best decision you’re going to make for a while.
4. Despite the fact that you’re a hard worker and generally a good person, you’re going to run into some kinks. Hold your head up (like you know how), keep fighting and stay positive. I promise there’s a big smile and a certain satisfaction waiting for you on the other side of your twenties.
5. The light. Nobody will tell you that some people posses an amazing luminosity about them. You do. People tend to gravitate toward you because of your energy, spark and wild zest for life (reference: your social life). Word of caution though, the light can fade or even burn out if you continue to change yourself into what everyone else wants you to be. To that point, it might behoove you to take some time to figure out who you really are and what you’re willing to do for love, friends, and more. Its your call…
And believe it or not, I do love you.
Rhon
Dear 20 year old me,
I know that you still think you are going to college in Manhattan and you still think that somehow you and Andrew will end up together and you still think that you will climb Mt. Rainier, spend lots of time on nearly every continent, have 3 kids, get your masters degree, donate $1,000 to charity, etc, all before you are 30. You still think you will be able to do all this effortlessly, because thats what adults do. THIS IS NOT THE CASE.
Understand now that things are not going to just happen to you. You MUST work and put in an effort to get to where you want to be. You will spend a lot of your 20′s learning this lesson. You were right to stay with your boyfriend post-Andrew. He is the love of your life. You won’t meet him for another year, and you will wish he did a lot of things differently. The differences between you will strengthen each of you more than you can imagine.
Stop pretending you make more than $1300 a month. SPEND ONLY WHAT YOU HAVE. Seriously…I think our early twenties are when we develop habits that ruin the rest of our lives. YOU ARE STILL SUCKING AT THIS. WORK ON IT WHILE YOU ARE YOUNG.
You were right about your body. You are 32 and you look almost exactly the same physically. Don’t feel guilty for the conservative clothes you love now. You have lots of time to show off your body. Say thank you to Mom for that metabolism.
I would tell you about your children (you had your first at 25, just as you predicted), but I don’t want to spoil it. They are beyond fantastic. They are so different from what you expected. They are so much better. You are so much better. Your husband is so much better. Enjoy the rest of your 20′s, but I reckon we will seriously enjoy our 30′s. Things are really looking up.
-33 year old Alana
Hi Cassie. Here’s my letter:
http://www.trappedinanutshell.com/2010/06/beatles-were-only-half-right.html
I love this, what a fantastic idea – here is mine:
Dear 20-year-old Kate,
All that searching you’re doing right now? The wondering who you are and where you belong? Get used to it. Apparently it’s ingrained in who you are, and it’s something you’ll continue to do. But, the worry that goes along with that searching? Good Lord, girl. Drop it and enjoy life. Grab it by the balls and don’t look back because one day, the worrying will envelope so much more than just YOU.
The body that you look in the mirror and scoff at? It’s amazing. Wear the short dress and wear the sting bikini while you can. That body will one day bear your children and become something much different, but right now? It’s hot. Keep dancing as much as you can. Don’t quit because some boy wants to spend more time with you and don’t give up the thought that you might someday dance in New York. Stop telling yourself it’s not worth pursuing that dream.
The boy who makes you crazy with emotions you can’t explain? One day you will vaguely remember why he made you feel that way. Don’t sacrifice your plans for ANYONE…no matter how important the reason seems at the time. In the end, you will only have yourself, so whatever path you choose, make sure it’s something you’re happy with. Someday you will have daughters of your own and you will no doubt have to watch them go through these same emotions. When that happens, please try to remember how it felt to be 22; it could be the best gift you could ever give them.
Wash your face more. Drink more water. Don’t smoke so much. Stop and enjoy the little moments more often. Don’t ever look back.
Love,
35-year-old Kate
Still reading through all of these and loving them, (also feeling kind of old). I had to sit and write one: http://tgaytan.blogspot.com/2010/06/letter-to-my-20-something-self.html
And it made me happy to write it.
Dear Me at 20,
Just don’t worry so much. It sounds trite, but just don’t. Next year you will get to go the one place you’ve always dreamed of. Someone will also fall in love with you, but you won’t quite love her back. Be kind anyway. When you wake up in that foreign land, no, you are not dying. Just have some water.
Talk to people enjoy being gay. You are in one of the best times, ages, and places to be gay. Take a risk by telling someone you like them. Make plans with people, they probably want to hang out too. In college, when you walk around crying and feeling lonely after Halloween, you WILL always feel like this once in awhile, but you’ll learn that it’s ok. Don’t panic. Just be sad when you’re sad.
When you are debating working two jobs or not after college, choose not to. Take the job at the bookstore. Get health insurance as quickly as you can. You will get cancer and you’ll be scared about the bills, if it will come back, what it means to be married to an orange pill bottle the rest of your life, and you’re scared to be scared. It’s ok. There is nothing called “the best kind of cancer” so do yourself a favor and never repeat that phrase to anyone. Also, you just had your heart broken. I am so sorry. I hate to be the one to tell you this, but it can feel even worse, and it will, but this heartbreak will teach you that you can get through it. It’s perfectly ok to get sad months from now, to listen to sad music and remember, but don’t forget how wonderful that first love was. You deserved everything great about it. And when she tries to be friends instead, you don’t have to do that. And if you try it will hurt awfully. Just try to move on.
Life is about getting dirty. Get dirty. Just don’t waste all that time with that redhead. She’s trouble, and it actually never pays off in the end.
Please don’t get any tattoos.
You are funny, you really are.
You are also smart.
You are never going to be one of those people that’s in relationships all the time. Get over it and revel in your independence. Do MORE alone and you’ll realize that you’re a pretty good person to spend time with.
Start doing yoga as soon as you get this – don’t wait till your thirties. Trust me. You will LOVE it. Same goes for riding your bike – and buy a decent one.
You are a fine dancer and you love it. Just go dancing, but not to shitty music or you’ll never figure it out
You’re going to marry a girl that loves you fiercely and it will only last two years. That’s ok. It wasn’t your fault. She loved you back but you wanted forever and she quit. You will recover from this, but you will be changed. That’s ok, too. Around this time, you’ll cultivate some astoundingly rewarding friendships. These are a kind of love too. I can’t say for sure who you’ll love next, but try to be discerning and open at the same time. I think it will work out for you. Trust your friends.
Skip workouts when your friends need you. Work out when you don’t feel like it. Sleep when you want to.
Stuff won’t make you happy.
Only live in apartments with porches. Sit on porches and stare.
When people start watching tv online (you’ll know what this means eventually) go easy. It can suck your time away. Maybe don’t even have internet at home – again, you’ll know what I mean in a few years.
You will be fine. People will always love you (and not just your family).
You will pay off the hospital bills, the student loans, the credit cards. It takes work, but you’ll do it and it’s not worth crying over or losing sleep over. It’s just money.
Now, the other stuff.
Thanks for exploring lots of kinds of exercise. That was time well spent. Thank you for all those great books you read. Thank you for trying whiskey. Thank you for all the reflection you did, and thank you for not smoking, wearing sunscreen and taking it easy with the drinks. Thank you for getting into healthy eating and leaving off fast food and pop entirely, even though that came easy. Thanks for finally getting your hair done by a professional – I’ve kept that up. Thank you thank you thank you for being great with being gay and for coming out. Thanks for not quitting. Now, please just chill the fuck out sweetie.
love,
Me at 32
Hi Cassie:
So, I suspect that our letters to our 20 year old selves depend on who we were, and that our advice to ourselves is different from the advice to any other specific 20 year old.
My advice to my self is simple:
Take the time to think about your life and what you want. You don’t always have to do the next thing on your list. It’s the advice I give to 20 year olds who were like me. But, it’s not necessarily the advice I give to every 20 year old.
And, yes, I would tell my younger self to exercise more, to learn how to use her body, and to enjoy the body she has, even though it might feel imperfect at the moment. I’d also tell her that she won’t have regretted having found her life partner at 20.
(My 44 year old self)
Dear 20 Year Old Self -
Do not think that just because a man said he loved you that you have to marry him because probably no one else will ever say that to you. You are much smarter – and far more lovable – than you have ever realized. Don’t settle. You will go through many changes in the next few years, and it will all be worth it – because your 30′s will rock! Don’t be afraid to fail, to take chances, to stand on your tip toes and reach. You are fabulous – don’t ever forget that, and don’t ever let anyone make you feel less than that.
I have linked my letter here: http://vartabedianr.tumblr.com/post/728062477/recalled-22-june
Cassie-I swear Kelsey and I work at the same place… she’s living my life! If you can, send her my contact info. Awesome letter! I’m writing mine today!
Dear Leslie:
Thank you for taking good care of yourself physically, emotionally and spiritually. You’re such a team player, and the CEO of Leslie, INC really appreciates your hard work. You don’t hear this often enough, but you ROCK!
Thank you for not having sex with boys who were Mr. Right Now, Mr. Too Cute or who told you lies only to get into your pants. You’ve always had good taste in men. Trust your instincts, and remember that you’re worth it!
Remember those nights you blew off school to hang with friends, stayed out way to late, and didn’t finish your senior thesis? Thanks! I know you were worried about it then, but those are some of your best college memories. Also, thanks for not ‘giving up’ on people. Yes, it may hurt to be forgiving, it may sting to swallow your pride and say I’m sorry, and no one likes the awkward “where do we stand” stage of relationships, but some of your closest friends are those who you have had to fight for. Be glad you didn’t give up then, cause you’re SOOO happy now.
Don’t concentrate too much on your job. While you may LOVE what you do, it won’t love you back, and focusing too much time and energy on work isn’t good for your social life. Speaking of social lives, please slow down! You can’t always be the life of the party, and if you keep it up, you’re not going to want to do anything later in life.
I know you worry about money, but try not to deprive yourself. If you have a chance to go to Europe, take it! It doesn’t matter whose wedding you miss, how much vacation time you take, or how expensive it is. Find yourself in Paris, and lose yourself in Italy. Have fun, the memories and the pictures will sustain you through the rough patches ahead.
Don’t forget to love yourself. No matter what happens, you’re our star player and we are committed to your success. Remember that love is a verb, so take action every day to show how much you love yourself. You’ll be glad you did.
Hindsight is 20/20, but foresight is pretty good too,
Leslie
What an awesome exercise! I just posted it on my blog and pasted it below. Thank you for this!
http://suzannahscully.com/blog/
Dear 20-something Suzannah,
I know everything feels so uncertain right now. You are living in New York city working in design for The Gap and while you love everyone you work with, you hate your job. You are single and out almost every night. And being in New York on September 11th had a major affect on you. Talk about uncertainty, you are always afraid there is going to be another attack.
Let me begin by telling you how proud I am of you for moving you New York. That took a lot of guts. And while it’s not an easy life. You will grow from it in ways you never imagined.
Being single can really suck sometimes, I know. You swear you are never going to find someone. If there is one thing I can tell you, it is that while you think you are ready to meet someone, you aren’t. You still have so many amazing things to experience. Things you wouldn’t do if you had a boyfriend. Like dance with Mick Jagger at 2am on a Thursday night at Bungalow 8. Yeah, that actually happens. Or at the drop of a hat decide to move to Rome. That wouldn’t happen if you had a boyfriend.
About that move to Rome. Right now, it’s something in the back of your head. Just a thought. But I know you worry about what that move will do to your career. And you worry that your parents think you are crazy. You are sitting up at night wondering what you should do. Let me be here to tell you that moving to Europe is one of the best decisions you will ever make. While no one really understands it, remember that they are not you. They don’t know what you need. Only you do.
I think that is the most important thing I can tell you. (kind of getting choked up writing this) You are not everyone else. What works for other people does not necessarily work for you. That includes your family. That includes your friends. That includes acquaintances. While taking risks and stepping outside the box is often hard, it pays off in the end.
So listen to your gut. Don’t worry about your “resume”. Don’t worry about “when” things are supposed to happen. Don’t worry about how you “should” feel about this or that. You feel how you feel.
And all of those nights that you stay up writing in a journal about how miserable you are in your job and brainstorming possible careers you could change into, guess what, you are going through that for a reason. You may just end up helping people who feel just like you do. But you have to go through it first to help people later.
Oh, and about the guy you are so worried you are never going to meet? Guess what, he ends up being better than anything you could have imagined. Well worth the wait. So chill out.
It took me a long time to post this because it isn’t quite like the others I read. I got married when I was 18 and there were some very difficult times between now and then. You can find it at http://www.heypeaches.com/index.php/site/comments/letter_to_my_20_year_old_self/
[...] my attention when I found it through a downward spiral of link-clicking. Back on May 22, 2010, Cassie put a call out to women to share their wisdom with other young women. The concept is for you to write a letter to your 20-year-old self. It can be advice, warning, [...]
Mine is blogged here: http://wutheringbites.blogspot.com/2010/06/letter-to-20-year-old-me.html
I’ll just cut and paste the last line:
You’re a human and you are a darn wonderful one!
I wrote to all ages of myself. Including my 20 year old self. My advice included wearing a helmet on a Harley ride, not doing anything to end up on Cops or Girls Gone Wild, avoiding hockey players and differnce between quality and quantity when it comes to guys. Read it here: http://thelungos.blogspot.com/2010/06/letters-to-myself.html
Dear 20-year-old Jen,
Trust in yourself. You take for granted having a confidence and innate sense of self that most people don’t have. Follow your gut, it’s a good one.
You will have to fail at something before you realize the genuine life you want to live. Don’t worry — you’ll survive the failure and on the other end you’ll be better for it.
Oh, and appreciate your great legs now, they don’t last forever,
Love and kisses,
33-year-old Jen
Dear 20-year old self,
I know you can’t imagine it now, but you will find someone to love. And when you find him, he’ll wish you hadn’t been so desperate.
Your blind choice of study is going to lead you down a corridor that is interesting but ultimately dead-ends. Maybe you should diversify your interests and try to understand what kind of jobs are out there and what you could actually do for a living.
You’re a very smart girl, but in the real world things don’t just fall into your lap just because you’ve been working hard.
Enjoy being single, selfish, and free. You’ll have less time to be so than you think!
Your 20-something self :)
Dear Cassie,
I heard of your blog from WNYC news station. I came home from work and had to look up your blog. For a young woman to ask such a question I think you are wise beyond your years! With your foresight you have success already written in your future. I am a 55 year old male and reading the letters contributed to your blog touched me because many of the comments do cross gender. If you do not mind I would like to share your blog on my FaceBook in the hope my nieces that are in there early 20s’ will read the letters.
If they do read the letters I hope they are as touched as I was.
And yes, stay in collage it is VERY hard to go back!!!!!
And keep in contact with your old friends, some will be your best and true friends. The older you get you need true friends, not just passing by friends.
Thank you for your effort
Joe D.
Cassie, I heard your story on NPR today on the way home. I immediately began composing my letter in my head. This is an awesome thing you’ve called on women to do. I think we should all write ourselves these letters about every 10 years.
Thanks for the challenge, I just regret hearing about it so late!
Awesome idea. Took me 18yrs to realize this but I would say to myself, the sooner you humble yourself, persevere in letting go of the anger and unforgiveness, reconcile with the Catholic faith and draw close to God and live the blessed life of the commandments and beatitudes – you’ll find true joy in life no matter your circumstances. Takes courage to live the faith. Fear is useless, trust is what’s needed. God will provide. Beg His help. Be sure to daily rest your body and mind in addition to growing in prayer and seeking holy role models. Peace!
Hi Cassie-
You are getting such a good response! Maybe your readers would be really interested in the Letters To My Younger Self (TM) books by Ellyn Spragins. http://www.letterstomyyoungerself.com
[...] (thanks to the inspiration from Cassie Boorn) [...]
Here is mine! Thank you this is so awesome.
http://www.mundanedetails.com/2010/06/a-letter-to-my-20-year-old-self/
Ellyn Spragins has been working on Letters to My Younger Self for seven years now. Her newest book, What I Know Now about Success: Letters From Extraordinary Women to Their Younger Selves, is a must read for all of you interested in this idea.
I just wanted to say thank you, Cassie, for welcoming these letters, and thank you, ladies, for your contributions. I am 22 and I feel confused about everything…my body, my friends, my job, and my men… especially the men. I might have ever leaked a few tears whilst reading, which is really saying something. It’s so comforting to know that this state of confusion happens to everyone, and that things really do get better. Now to go write a letter to my 40-something self. :)
Jill, What a beautiful comment.
I am 22 as well. It is confusing.
[...] July 2010 by dadakim Cassie Boorn made a call for women to write letters to their “twenty-something self” and the response was featured on NPR. Josh sent me a [...]
[...] Karen responded to Cassie Boorn’s call for women bloggers to write letters to their younger selves. (I wonder if this idea was inspired by [...]
This is so beautiful – it seems it caught fire all at once, and I found “letters to my twenty-year-old self” popping up on my favourite blogs. It took me a while, but I wrote one, too.
I wrote about some of the things I wish I had known or focussed on then, things I wish someone had said to me. Everything seemed about making decisions then, and they all seemed so monumental. From my now-perspective, the individual decisions weren’t such a big deal – it was more about what GUIDED those decisions.
I wish I had been more gentle with myself then.
I suppose there is not a wrong way to do it, and I enjoyed the process. Thank you, Cassie! My letter is here:
http://scatterbeams.wordpress.com/2010/07/05/letter-to-my-twenty-year-old-self-2/